The Big Decision

It's time to decide what to do with the first part of this coming year. It's a hard choice, I've got a lot impeding me from getting to this work. My house is a mess, I've got a lot of tools at my disposal but they are all half buried ideas. I'm wasting a lot of energy on pointless activities. My mind is seeking for something to put my creativity to. It's like there is a giant landscape in front of me. It's the largest thing that I've ever seen, it's the largest landscape that has ever existed in the minds of people. Every way that I look at it I see something interesting, and so picking my path is like choosing between either cookies or ice cream. How am I supposed to pick? I know some people who are walking down their own roads, seems like they went with the sights that were close by, some just seemed to flow like water into their future. Me, I must be behind a wall or something, because I've hardly moved since high school. I mean, I've gotten some invaluable experience, but no insight into what I want to be. That isn't to say I haven't learned about who I am. Just haven't seen that golden light extending into the future.

I still think about the part that Ashley plays in this decision. It's weird that so long after we parted she still has an effect on my life. At first I thought I hated her and that was why I needed to succeed. To triumph over the reasons she left. Yes, she hurt me very badly, but, it wasn't on purpose. That's a very hard thing to admit. It feels so much better to blame my stagnation on someone else. Something I have no control over, but it isn't the truth. I've let myself grow fat in a comfortable mediocrity. Forgiving and forgetting is a top priority.

What else is holding me back? I have a lack of solitude. I know this is of utmost importance to my psychology. I need time by myself to formulate, to come to understanding, to develop a want for social contact. Living with a roommate has a lot of benefits, shared resources, a safety net of sorts. But soon, I need to leave this comfortable setting as well.

I've got some resources here, and being in a cocoon of sorts isn't all bad. I'm like a boulder at the top of a hill, held in place precariously by a few pebbles. Loose those and I fall with all the potential energy I've ever had. Hopefully I can bring a good amount of the mountain with me. Down isn't usually the direction that people think of as good, but in this case I think it's right. There is a lot going on in the valley below were there isn't much potential that could easily be swept away.

I hope writing this blog puts my thoughts in better order. It's going to be a trial to stick with it. Wish me luck!