Enveloped Willingly into a Less Social Life

I need to get some food, but I decided to make the food I have before I get some new food. This sucks, because I have some weird stuff left in my kitchen, I can make toast, french toast, sandwiches, pasta, there are potatoes, a bit of milk, butter, ranch dressing, mayonnaise, spices and hot sauces. So much tomato paste, I think it was left over from an old roommate.

So, yeah, I have a hell of a lot less social life now that I used to have, and that was a huge reduction of what I used to have even before that. I don't recommend such a dry social life, it's got consequences in the way you think, that's my least favorite side effect. I tried counteracting it with a few beers at night, that wasn't worth the effort. I think I got something that works though. Smoking a bit of pot and meditating. I can't wait to get my house in order, I might be weird, or I might be like a lot of people, but a messy house is enough to cripple my ability to get things done. I guess that's true when it's my mess.

I want to be more social, but I feel so weird when I get into situations with other people, I feel tugged and obligated, I don't even know what I feel obligated to do. But, it isn't a good feeling, so I avoid those situations for the time being. I know that if I went to a doctor or a psychologist they would just say, 'sean, you have social anxiety disorder, here is some Xanex' and I've had xanex before, it makes me feel fantastic, I get the wanting to be close to fellow people, it's great. It's also not a drug I would take for anything other than recreation.

One day, maybe I should be upset that the precious moments of my life are draining away while I get accustomed to what I should have grown accustomed to years ago. I had so many years to become a great socialite. Maybe it won't happen, and I'm wasting my time. A good friend once told me, if you fail, you fail forward. You might not accomplish what you want, but you learn, and you are in a better position to move forward.

I want to start going through latin lessons on here before the end of the week, and I should apply for my next semester of school soon. So those will be some things to get done, I think I'll use the comment system to voice completion of these tasks.

I started listening to and enjoying modest mouse again, that's a band I haven't enjoyed in some time. I guess I'm going through a melancholy mood. They come, and there isn't much I can do about it but make it through to the other side. I'm happy I have a place to voice my feelings, they aren't good a lot of the time, and maybe I sound like a whiny emo kid, but hell, it feels good to get it out.

I love the internet, I love being able to say what I think and get feedback without worrying about a permanent stigmata. Listen, I know I have some undeveloped areas in my life, and I'm sick of avoiding them. I might be using the most weak version of 'gettin' out ther' and gettin' er done' but I'm doing something.

Speaking of doing things, I'm like this, I don't have an audience, just a sounding board. I like that.